by sneaker pimps....


<3 <3

... I'm open to falling from grace...

I have a craving. Actually... I have several. But we'll get to those all in due time. First order of business is just to scribble out the random thoughts in my mind. Lately I've noticed that I've become a bit introverted. More specifically, I'm introverted to the point that I'm back to how I was in high school. So once more I'm enigmatic, and secretive. Oh joy. I've also fallen back onto old tendencies. Case and point... the guy I'm currently sleeping with. Before it just used to be just all about the momentary bliss of having good sex. Now, its become more tender... more sensual and erotic instead of the typical "1-2-3... thank you, bye..." and this is driving me to want the sex to be better than good or great... I want mind-blowing sex from this guy. And I know that he can provide, and from what I've seen of his reactions, he wants the same from me... but sadly... I'm stuck home caring for my sister... (as luck would have it... DAMN IT) but anyway... I digress... back to random thoughts. (and to those who are reading this and feel like I'm providing too much info.... bugger you. xoxoxo)
Well something along these same lines but its about another boy. One that I've always cared for but never really had the balls to talk to about it. HE comes out of nowhere and starts telling me how he feels about me and how he wants to get together with me... but the kick in the pants.... he lives out of state. WHY?!?!?!

sigh... men... drive me up the wall... more than i need... and they all do it when I'm not in the mood for them.... WHY?!?!

AND NOW... my cravings...

I want:
* Belgian Waffles
* to go to Spain and listen to traditional Spanish Guitar. (GII-tarrr as I say to val)
* my sister's and my b-day to go off without a hitch
* that my sister's baby's daddy can come back from Puerto Rico in one piece and quickly. (All the phone calls at midnight is making me want to hurl)
* to go to the beach and watch the sun set and rise


Thats about it....


Nik E Jones

PS
APPARENTLY.... I live in Akron, Ohio....

PSS
I'm really digging spanish music... from the other side of world, and Portuguese music too....

zkjchldsivbdlvdbvshchgf;ou

that is all

nik J

So I found out at around 2:35 am that I'm going to be an uncle. My little sister, Rebecca and her boyfriend are going to be proud parents. She's about 16 wks preggers. Her expected due date is December 4. Thats right, Valerie's birthday.

Ah the joys of my life.

One never understands how Two can live its life.
One doesn't comprehend the way Three stand idly by.
One is confused as to how Four goes round and round.
One is perplexed by the way Five fails to learn.
One is vexed at Six and doesn't remember why.
One avoids Seven at all costs.
Eight is One's biggest enemy.
Nine like to slap One in its face.

Zero is One's only friend, and together they walk away
Hand in hand.

In the midst of my starting roll for a better life, there has been a number of hiccups.

My cat Hades, whom I presume to have been killed by this "Cat Killer" that's lurking about my neighborhood; is gone.

My health is deteriorating in a way that even has me bothered about it for once.

I've lost my job, thanks to my health.

But other than that, life continues on, and I'm for the opinion of not looking back.


Nik E J

There he is sitting alone in the corner of the coffee shop. He's been coming in and sitting there for the past four days. He orders black coffee, but he doesn't drink it. Instead he just adds sugar, stirs it in, and stares down into the liquid. He looks a bit disheveled, as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. His brown hair tossed this way and that. His green eyes are bloodshot, like he's been crying, yet no evidence of tears are present. His clothes are wrinkled and stained with a myraid of things. Curiousity is at its peak. How I long to know this man's pain, his life. Yet all I do is stare at him from my own corner of the shop. My reddish hair neatly combed and washed. My blue eyes free of any sign of tears, hidden behind small, clean cut glasses. My clothes all of formal attire and pressed clean. All I find myself able to do is just watch this man stare down at his coffee as he trys to battle his own demons.

~~~~

Thats all for now.

I gots a job! its unofficial for the moment... but that's only for about a week. When the drug test clears I'm back on the work force.

Its a hell of a job. I send all the information from a law firm to the corresponding judge. Time sensitive material... real hectic stuff. But its fast paces and I'll enjoy doing it.

Thats all for now.

Nik E Jones

Watching the sun rise for the past couple of days has been midly refreshing... save for the fact that I fall asleep at noon and don't wake up till 10p. But I suppose we all must make sacrifices for the change of sleeping habits.

In other news... 4 months till my birthday... oh the joy of turning 22.

Nik E J

I've done it again.... slept 6 hours and stayed up 20+... I really need to break this habit of mine... its turning me into a severe night creature....

night night

Nik E J

... talk about hitting it old school... :)

But hey it works for now

Valerie's little brother, Carlitos, and his friend, Kyle, were subjects to a group jumping 30 minutes ago. I just love my neighborhood!! (sarcasm to the most potent value)

Why do I feel like crying for no reason?
Why do I feel like nothing can make me feel better?
Why do I feel so empty?

Why did I cry at that anime last night?
Why did I wake up in tears?
Why did I wipe them away?

Why did I eat a whole cake by myself?
Why did I look for more food?
Why did I bother?


:: Note::

I'm feeling like crap... thanks to Val...

when you are trying to get to livejournal...

1. you type lievjournal.com and spend two minutes looking at it trying to figure out if the site went through a change.

2. you realize your mistake and then type in livejournal.com.com and spend another two minutes tryiing to figure out what went wrong.

yeah... no lie... just happened to me

Tralel Khtta

The "interview" I was supposed to have was just to go in and place an application...

I feel like blowing a receptionist up...

§ I'm jonesing pretty hard right now due to nerves
§ I've the interview today at 2p... so why the hell am I still awake?
§ Learned that I'm playing a dangerous game of cat and mouse... Good thing I know limits and am teaching them to the other player.
§ 17 lied to me... is actually 14... please note... I'm really annoyed and not trying anything.
§ Got "gay bashed" on WoW... how does that work you might ask... simple a couple of heterosexual players group together and PvE on you till your character dies all the while spamming hate... makes sense doesn't it?
§ . . . I've got nothing else...

Ta

Nik E J

§ I was told that I was liked... by a 17 yr old.
§ I have a job interview at a publishers direct... can we say magazine sales?
§ Valerie has fallen ill... which means nasty yuck yuck time at my place
§ I'm praying for that job... come pray with me...
§ I've not smoked a cigarette in a few days... something to be proud of... almost a week.


yeah thats all...

Here is a few of the random poems that I've written from earlier this evening. (Yes it is still night time for me because I have yet to go to bed... and the time is 5:10A. [YES I do stay up this late every day... Insomnia is a curse... but a blessing, the world is so quiet at this time.])
~~~~~
Poem 1:
As the river winds it way to the ocean
So do my thoughts ascend to heaven
As the Sun rises in the sky
So do my hopes for a better tomorrow
As the Seasons continue their endless parade
So do I continue my endless debate
As Life dances with Time
So do I watch them go by.
~~~~~
Poem 2:
Hearts Intertwined
Emotions Unbound
Poetry without sound
Life upon the ground
Tears from your eyes
Fall upon my soul
Caging the sorrows
That we've borne
~~~~~
Poem 3:
The lights of Heaven
Illuminate our Dreams
Of what could be
Jump the Edge
You won't Fall.
~~~~~
Poem 4:
I am a person of dreams
I am a person of illusions
I am what you wish for me to be
For I know not what I am to be
Like a looking glass
I reflect only
What you wish to see
But also show you
What you wish to
Ignore.
~~~~~

Well... my poetry is very... symbolic I think is the word. Most of it has no reason, or even any inspiration... -chuckle- Just like all the things I do in reality.

But anyway, a slight update of my life so far...

§ Still looking for a job, hoping that I can get in on the Best Buy they are planning on opening in South Beach. (yeah... me on south beach... ::shudder::)
§ Wasn't able to go to the free clinic yet due to unforseen events within my family unit. Grandmother being unable to care for herself anymore.
§ After last weeks indentity crisis... I've become more mellow and chill.
§ I've decided NOT to go looking for a relationship, need to focus on me a bit more before letting someone in to the mix.
§ Making plans of moving out after getting a job and saving up money. Won't go into much detail but let's just say I want to kill Val's other best friend, (our roommate) for disrespecting me in a major way.
§ After going to the beach with Macky Mac to help her with a project for school, I looked at some of the pictures we took of us just being ourselves and realized what people mean when they say that sometimes I look alot older than I am. (hopefully I can get those pictures up on facebook soon, provided I can get to a scanner.)
§ I learned that my mother tested positive for the advanced stage of Melanoma. And there is nothing that can really be done in terms of treatment, because she has High BP and Lupus (oddly the same strain as my brother has.)
§ My attacks have subsided, thank the gods. I want to start my own physical training so I can hopefully be able to move around like I used to.
§ Finally, I'm starting to become a cooking fiend once more, which is helping me limit my food intake. (Yes my lovelies, Niki chan has gotten a bit of a pouch developing.)

Well... so much for a slight update... thats been the month of March until now.

After much deliberation, I've resigned to the fact that iit is not my place to know some of the things about myself. Albeit that those thing I don't know is what attracts others.

I've accepted the fact that I will probably forget all that I know now, and move onto to a new identity for myself in due time, just as I'm sure I've done before. It's sad you know, constantly having to change myself. But that is what evolution is all about, I guess. Try new things and when the times comes, take that which is good and leave that which is bad, just to further the name of progress.

Philosophically speaking this is a type of suicide. Spiritually speaking this is re-incarnation. In my manner of speaking, this is just moving onto more important things. My thoughts at the moment are all focusing on one thing. And that is getting the hell out of the life I live right now. I'm tired.

Tired of men that I court. Tired of the fake emotions, of acting like I like things that don't interest me. Tired of having to lie to myself just to make the ends justify the means. I want to move on with my life. I want to say goodbye to all the things that hold me down. I want... to end this circus of my teenage actions.

When I look back upon these past few years I've come to notice that the only thing that ever made me happy was the fact that I could give myself to music, and my studies of magio-religious sects. Of course mroe importantly, my writing. I will never give up my writing. For that is where I truly express myself. There I bear my heart and soul, I show others what I really feel, how I truly think.

I've never been one for this type of self abasement. Well I've never made it this public. But I suppose this is what I need to do to clear out the demons that I've made and have allowed to plague my mind.

Nik E Jones

Momentarily relieved.
Awaiting for the next moonrise

Sitting up at this hour of the night, I begin to wonder. My thoughts race from one topic to the next always following the same path of unerring unpredictability. Closing my eyes I see the conversations I've had that mean things to me. Echos of the voices from those moments resound in my ears, replaying the emotions that they once held but no longer contain in this present day. My past seems to be my favorite topic especially when I try to make advances in the future. Mistakes I've made before become paramount obstacles that I must overcome without any help. To stop enabling the doubts and "what ifs" in my mind is the goal of everything that I've done and plan to do. Retracing my path with an objective view I notice that everything was important, even more so when I overlooked it. I realize that I could have done something different, but still I feel no regret for what I've done in my life is what I needed to do, even if there was an easier path to follow. I've given up a lot of myself for the benefit of the world that I've chosen, and that is what I shall continue to do. Even when the time comes for me to leave this world and all those in it that cherish me, I will still continue to give every fiber of my being to them, for that is what is important to me.

My lovers call me weird and different because I'm "too nice" or "too caring." But I feel no insult in this for they make it apparent that if I never showed them a different type of person they would forever remain uncertain of themselves and their innate kindness and love. I'm a being who cares not for myself but for those that care about me. I treat my friends as family, never asking for anything in return but giving them all that I can. Many of the people that I've encountered in my life so far have been taken away but this, not able to comprehend why I do it. In reality, I'm not even sure myself. Funny isn't it that my reasons are not even known to me. I suppose that when the day comes that I understand this it will be the day that I'm no longer needed for what I do.

My enemies, oh how I love my enemies. They are few but they are the ones that I invite into the closest quarters, the ones I take to my bed to hold close and give myself to completely. They are more than "lovers," they are kindred spirits of sorts. They are the type of people that put on the biggest front. I see them for what they truly are, but for this I love them even more, but this I know is the reason why they hate me and wish me ill. I bear them none in return for they shouldn't have to bear anymore then what they take from others.

I'm not to sure of what I talk about, even now. These words are forming themselves in my mind and I'm just putting them down. As erratic as this may seem I assure you that there is a flow to it, a deep underlying flow that not even I can chart.

Oftentimes I sit here starting at a blank screen wondering what I am doing. Most of the time I'm not even sure if I want to be doing what I am. Sometimes I wish that I could be elsewhere doing things that I've never done before. But most times I wish I were out in the world enjoying all that Nature can provide. I want to be by the ocean at night, watching the waves in the dim light of the moon and stars. Or out in the woods listening to the world sleep. I want to be on a mountain at sunrise to watch the world slowly come to life as the Sun's energy breaths life into the planet. I want to be out there connected to the world.

I'm conflicted on many things, especially when it involves myself. I don't understand many things, and I know even less of those things I do understand. Life for me is a mystery that I feel I have tried to solve countless times. There are times when I feel as if I've done things over and over and yet still I don't accept the results.

And so... I write this to provide a glimpse into the working of a person who feels out of the loop, yet somehow is that loop at the same time.

Silence is a curse for I hear myself think. I notice my breathing and I extend my will over myself so that nothing is beyond my control. I'm afraid that one day, someone will think that I am crazy, or insane for the way I look at things and the way I observe the world about me.

I'm detached, I won't deny it. My detachment is self-afflicted. I've suffered a life of hardship that has caused me to be detached emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Thus my previous statement of feeling out and yet is. When I turn my observations onto myself... I come up with this cacophony of thoughts. I never seem to get to the center of myself, as if my mind and soul are nothing but a maze that constantly shifts. A never ending labyrinth would be more precise. I don't know what makes me... me. I can list my qualities, and troubled areas and even my preferences, but that still doesn't make me myself. Those are just things that define this representation of me. I want to know exactly what I am, who I am, and what my meaning in this world is.

Yes there are names by which I am called but as I said before, that is just for this representation of me. What is my REAL name? I get a sense of loss when I try to recall my life past the age of seven. I don't remember a thing but I know there is something there. Something elusive, powerful and awe-inspiring. I feel as if I've lived for ages and this is just another lifetime among many.

Time is something I've no acceptance of, for what does it mean to me if days pass and I can't remember what I've done. I loose track of time for months on end just going minute to minute, hour to hour, trying to figure out the mystery that is me. Its like they say "No one knows you better than yourself." Well I don't know myself. I've never known me. I know other people, but not myself.

Enigma.

That is a word that I once used to describe myself. Other people have used it to describe me as well. I wish that I never heard the term in my life again when people describe me or when I when I describe myself.

Odd.
This too is another term that I've been labeled with.

Weird.
Mysterious.
Deep.

The list goes on, all of which points to the fact that I'm something but no one knows what it is. All I do is smile and accept the terms used on me, what else can I do? It is the truth no? There is no other way to say it, is there?

And so I will close this rant out with nothing more but questions that can't be answered easily.

My dreams seem to have more reality to them then this life...

Nik E Jones

Pensive and Brooding
Murky and Deep